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She would have just said that I was a ‘fatty chaser’ or liked piggy girls or something. She put herself down much more than even her sister did. I think that too was perhaps a defensive mechanism. If she made fun of herself then no one else had anything left to hurt her. That or she really believed it.I wanted to change her perception if she believed it. I couldn’t get enough of her. I wanted to open my mouth and suck her into me if I could have. I know that sounds super creepy. I guess I “pussy had me going crazy” like her mother said and I was feeling all this affection for my first. I didn’t dare tell her she was my first. She was obviously very well experienced and I didn’t want to seem lame. Somehow though I think she knew.“Why do you live like this?” I asked as I put on my clothes.Hayden didn’t understand the question. In retrospect I think she only knew this way of living and she didn’t really know of any other way.“I mean like why do you stand at attention naked if your mom. ” She said, “I fucked up.”“What did you do?”“I went out. You know, with someone.”The vice started to clamp down on my chest.“Are you trying to tell me you’ve been with another man?” I choked out.“Yeah. Well, sort of. Look, it didn’t mean anything to me, I did it because I thought it would get you out of my head but it didn’t. Actually, it was good in a way; now I know how I feel.”“What do you mean ‘sort of’?”There was silence on the line for so long, I wasn’t sure if she was still there.“It was stupid.” She said quietly. “I ... thought it was what I wanted. I won’t lie to you, not about anything. We never lie to each other, do we? I went out with Barry, he’s a dental technician who works for my boss sometimes. I thought I would just reel him in and use him, you know?”“How far did you take it?”“Pretty far. Maybe too far to come back. I slept with him. We did it, he kissed me and went down on me and he put his penis inside me and fucked me, ok? Now you know.”It was my turn to be.
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